Romance your friendships.
I believe in romance. It’s a part of my spirit that I hope to have always. I romance life. Myself. Nature. Creativity. What does it look like to romance our friendships?
She was the person I would text when I spilled a cortado all over myself at the coffee shop. We would sit in silence, scrolling our phones and laughing over shared Tik Toks and memes. Our friendship quickly went from occasional coffee dates to watching our mutual guilty pleasure show the same day every week, pulling tarot cards on full moons, and spending holidays together, since we were both single and without family in town.
Reflecting on past female friendships, I feel a nostalgia and sweet melancholy that few romantic relationships can match. Almost every close female friendship I’ve ever had captures that sentimentality.
What makes close female friendships so magical? Is it being able to relate to each other’s experiences in a uniquely female way? Is it some chemical mixture that allows an extraordinary sense of camaraderie? Is it a feeling of safety? Is it the emotional intelligence and empathy that women more naturally show up with?
So when this friendship began to falter, I asked my therapist in despair, “Is it something I am doing? Why do I have these intense friendships that sometimes end?” She responded by asking about other friendships I’ve had throughout my life.
There was H, a long-distance art friend I made during the pandemic. We exchanged winding, vulnerable stream-of-consciousness voice messages daily. I remember a camping trip where we sat with our cars back-to-back, hatches open, while afternoon rainstorms passed overhead. We read a book aloud together at night by headlamps, passing it back and forth between chapters.
Then there was S, a friend I made through climbing. We had craft nights and took biannual pilgrimages to the desert, where we slept in while other groups of climbers got early starts to their days. We drank cup after cup of coffee in our foldable chairs, identifying birds, and soaking up the sun with our bare feet in the dirt.
And B, who was married to a friend of my ex. She and her ex-husband lived with us for a short time, and we fell in friend-love over too many pots of morning coffee and post-dinner margaritas while talking about politics and childhood and creativity. The men left both our lives, but our friendship holds strong seven years later.
“Have you ever thought that maybe your friendships are emotionally intimate and integrated into your life, similar to romantic relationships?” my therapist asked with a gentle smile. I immediately knew it to be true. “These aren’t surface-level friendships. Just like romantic relationships, they’re intense, they evolve, and sometimes they’re not meant to last forever.”
Being an introvert, my nature is to have a few very close friendships rather than cast a wide net of acquaintances. I try to put the same effort and intention into my friendships as romantic relationships. And just like romance, friendships can shift and change and end… and even grow again from the wreckage.
I’m learning to loosen my grip on feeling like a failure if a friendship ends. I hear it all the time, “Sometimes people just grow apart. No one is wrong. It just happens,” yet I cling to the thought that one of us has somehow messed up. Echoes of my religious past ring in my ears: Love is unconditional… love never leaves… love never fails. My wiser, inner self reminds me: Two things can be true — you can love someone and let them go.
Having relationships change and even end is a good sign. We are awake and honest with ourselves and those we’re in relationships with. We aren’t on cruise control. We’re fully present, admitting the hard truths. And these are the relationships I want, as challenging as they can be.
ro·mance
/rōˈmans,ˈrōˌmans/1. a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.
”in search of romance"2. a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.
"the beauty and romance of the night"
I believe in romance, in every sense of the word. I’ve been a romantic since I was a kid, and it’s a part of my spirit that I hope to have always. I romance life. Myself. Nature. Creativity. What does it look like to romance our friendships?
Coming from a quiet, introverted family, we politely hug but don’t show much affection. Consequently, I tend to be physically and verbally reserved in non-romantic relationships. And I’m working to change this by engaging in more platonic affection – playful hip bumps, reaching out for someone’s arm mid-laugh, using pet names, and saying “I love you.”
Do you remember the first time you and your bestie said “I love you”? Because I do. Unlike romantic I love yous, at least for me, it’s never really a build-up to a big moment. It’s often a casually attached afterthought on a voice note or a goodbye. “Bye, love you!” But every time, I get butterflies. “We just said I love you for the first time!” I typically gush.
Art by Jenny Holzer
Female friendships are magic. They will transform you. Prioritize them. Go on friend dates. Have sleepovers. Send your 20-minute-long voice notes. Go on trips together. Shower each other in loving words and affection. Give each other little gifts. Be honest. Be good to one another. And let the living thing that is your friendship evolve, even if that means letting it go. It is the most loving thing you can do.
This bit that your therapist shared struck a chord, Amanda: "Just like romantic relationships, they’re intense, they evolve, and sometimes they’re not meant to last forever.”
Like you, I put a lot of care and intention into my female friendships; I take them very seriously. It took me a long time to accept that some friendships are meant for a certain season in my life. Some are meant to evolve and wither.